Just Below the Margin

Everything has a beginning. Everything has an end. Or so it seems. At least that’s how it is in the relative world of a mortal life.

lucie-double-rainbow-2-by-lucie-stastkovaImage is courtesy of Lucie Stastkova LuSt4ART

I have always strived to be the best I could be. I have always pushed everyone around me to be and do their best. I guess I just can’t stand to see anything good go to waste or be marginalized.

I wonder now why I feel I’m looking up to tie my shoe laces. What lies deep within that causes me to feel I’ve accomplished nothing in life? What is it that has me feeling I’m hanging on just below the margin?

As a child, I excelled academically. I also bombed out socially. I was the first to be nominated for class president and the last to be invited to a party – that is, if I was invited at all. I would ace a mid-term but fail miserably in a social situation. I never knew why that was. I liked everyone. I couldn’t understand why they didn’t like me. At least I thought they didn’t. Regardless, feelings of inadequacy and regret were branded onto my soul and etched into my frontal cortex. I regretted not having been born a better, more likeable person.

I learned later in life that my childhood peers actually did like me. In fact, they admired me but also were afraid of me. I was different. I was an abused child who was emotive, who neither accepted nor feared relative authority, who immediately went to the aid of anyone suffering for any reason, and who was outspoken. I never met a thought I didn’t share. I instantly saw through lies and subterfuge, and I didn’t hesitate to say so. Back then, I didn’t know I was an empath and I didn’t remember the abuse. All of these factors combined to make me appear brazen, erratic, eccentric, and someone to be kept at arm’s length.

As a result, I grew up feeling flawed, defective, broken. I easily could have become an addict who flushed her life down the toilet or a felon who spent decades behind bars. I came close several times. But something always stopped me before I took the definitive plunge. And for that, I am grateful.

I’ve accomplished many things in my life. But I’m having one of those days where I can’t see the merit of any of them. Perhaps you, too, have had days like this; days where you feel you just haven’t made the grade. There are millions of people in the world who never consider such things – egoists and narcissists devoid of insight; those driven to excel who charge through obstacles and failures without stopping to reflect; those who are happy, contented, and appreciate the simple pleasures in life. I would love to be a member of the latter group.

When I consciously began walking a spiritual path thirty years ago, my perspective changed drastically and my awareness shifted to a point of no return. In many ways, this was a blessing. It’s also an ongoing unremitting challenge that, at times, leaves me yearning for a simple life, a life without attachment – to anything.

Whenever I’m overcome by emotion without apparent reason, I look around me to identify the source – perhaps a neighbor, family member, friend – and try to figure out how much of it is internal and how much is external. Being hypersensitive to external energy is often confusing and overwhelming. It throws me to the wall and challenges my sanity. Today it left me feeling insubstantial and deficient. But feeling inadequate, even defective, is a universal burden most of us carry at times. How we deal with it determines whether our spirits regress, stagnate, or grow.

Step one is recognizing, acknowledging, and accepting our feelings as part of ourselves. What we choose not to look at controls our lives and precludes our growing. Step two is moving the feelings outside of ourselves – regurgitating them, if you will – so we can take a closer look. I’ve found writing about them to be very therapeutic, even cathartic. Step three is maintaining a constant awareness in order to effect change.

So how do we effect change in behavior, thought, and emotion? We first have to set the intention to change. Effecting change in behavior is a three-fold process: noticing ourselves after we act; watching ourselves while we’re acting; catching ourselves before we act. Effecting change in thought and emotion tends to be experiential, as thoughts can be obsessive and emotions are often raw. I’ve learned that the most expeditious way to change how I think or feel is to undergo an experience that catapults me out of my rote way of life and into unfamiliar territory. This is frightening but also effective. And sometimes, embedding a changed behavior can in turn alter thought and emotion.

So after writing this, do I still feel I’m hanging on just below the margin? A little. I think I picked up a great deal of emotion from the prevailing pool circulating around tomorrow’s Presidential election here in the United States. I sense the enormous external maelstrom of worldwide apprehension. I also acknowledge I have some unresolved emotions from childhood (don’t we all!) creating an internal eddy of angst.

As above, so below. As external, so internal. We can’t separate ourselves from the worldwide web of energy, of magnetism. We can try, but it’s a futile exercise. If I’m feeling just below the margin of accomplishment and success, I know others are as well. I’m an individual, but I’m also part of a whole.

Looking at the glass as half full, I choose to think tomorrow will be a brighter day. Hope reigns.

Until the next time, my friends . . .  Namaste

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37 thoughts on “Just Below the Margin”

  1. The world is with you looking for a brighter day Tina. Time for the nastiness to end and for the people to unite as one again behind whoever you have as a new President. That had better be Hillary Clinton to make the world rest easier though.
    xxx Massive Hugs xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Great post Tina! Fill up the glass, no need for it to be half full! All thoughts and good wishes for POTUS – I know it’s an anxious making time. Keep on adding your light to the darkness and all will be well.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. A beautiful post, Tina. We are all on our spiritual journey and have to trust that our path is exactly right for us, but as you said in your post, we make choices. That’s where the game gets sticky. Hugs and here’s to a brighter day for America!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Reblogged this on mira prabhu and commented:
    Wow…Tina Frisco’s candid share on her deeper feelings…of growing up and feeling less than….despite being admired by many….I myself speak a lot about the critical importance of what I call “relative investigation” – meaning, our relentless investigation into the codes that form our ongoing persona – first we become aware that there is work to do; then we accept the results of our honest investigation; and only then can we dissolve all the codes that no longer serve us (bad stuff like low-self-esteem) – why? So that we can begin the investigation into who we are beyond body and mind and emotions….into the REAL. My own happiness accelerated when I committed to an unflinching examination of my past and my present – and then I encountered a brilliant path that can lead anyone who is truly committed to happiness to the goal, which is the investigation into the immortal and blissful Self. Thank you, Tina, for your beautiful share, and I hope it inspires many to chart their own forward path.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Mira. You are a touchstone for me on my spiritual journey. We frequently use different words to explain our process but most often are saying the same thing. And this is good, because it makes us take notice of different ways of being as well as encourages us to explore on a deeper level. I am so grateful that our souls have touched — once again. Much love ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Reblogged with this message: Wow…Tina Frisco’s candid share on her deeper feelings…of growing up and feeling less than….despite being admired by many….I myself speak a lot about the critical importance of what I call “relative investigation” – meaning, our relentless investigation into the codes that form our ongoing persona – first we become aware that there is work to do; then we accept the results of our honest investigation; and only then can we dissolve all the codes that no longer serve us (bad stuff like low-self-esteem) – why? So that we can begin the investigation into who we are beyond body and mind and emotions….into the REAL. My own happiness accelerated when I committed to an unflinching examination of my past and my present – and then I encountered a brilliant path that can lead anyone who is truly committed to happiness to the goal, which is the investigation into the immortal and blissful Self. Thank you, Tina, for your beautiful share, and I hope it inspires many to chart their own forward path.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Reblogged this on Smorgasbord – Variety is the spice of life and commented:
    Tina Frisco sharing a very personal and thought provoking insight into how she is feeling right now but also the times in her life when there was a similar sense of unworthiness. I think most of us have experienced the same feelings due to varying circumstances and severity. It is human nature to doubt ourselves and to wonder if we are on the right path. Most of us have started down many paths during our lifetime.. some led to good things and some just fizzled out and we had to choose another. Personally Tina has a very high worth for me as she is always the one supporting and encouraging others when they are feeling under the weather.. or margin.. Interestingly in relation to this presidential election, I read this article by Dr. Mercola this morning which comments on the very definite increase in stress related conditions during the campaign that has caused therapists to comment. http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2016/11/08/dont-panic-politics.aspx?utm_source=dnl&utm_medium=email&utm_content=art1&utm_campaign=20161108Z2&et_cid=DM125027&et_rid=1744118630 Tomorrow will be a testing time.. but then like with our own Brexit.. we have to get on with it and make it work. Tina.. you are a star… never wonder why you are here.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for sharing, Sal, and for the superb lead-in. I’ll head over to Dr. Mercola’s article shortly, as you can well imagine the quantity and quality of anxiety floating freely across The States today. I deeply appreciate your compliment and ongoing support. I’m grateful for our friendship, for having met in this lifetime – once again to share and grow. Love and hugs, my dear friend ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  7. What a brilliantly candid post. Thanks so much. I can relate to many of your childhood experiences. I kept folks at a distance, looking forward to getting out of my small town. It worked for me, for my future, but it was a lonely childhood. ☺

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re welcome and thank you, Van. It seems we had similar childhoods and aspirations, which made us strong and brought us to where we’re supposed to be. I hope you now have many friends who provide joy, laughter, and love ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I think we are all on edge with this election. Even here in California with all the competing propositions, I feel worn out just thinking about these outcomes. So I don’t…anymore. I voted, that’s all I can do. Ever the optimist here. My advice to you is…just be who you are. Your path got you to this point and you do shine light where it needs to be shined. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Such an important post at this time of the world, and this election time T. I know all that your feeling, because I too am very unsettled within myself. It seems even in childhood we were similar, compassionate, intuned with others, good grades, and yet, the last one remaining when teams were being picked. Kindred spirits find one another as we have. Hang on to your sails my friend. This too shall pass.
    Love you my dear friend. xoxo ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aw, Deb, I can’t tell you what it means to be so rooted in similarity, to be understood without having to speak, to be loved for just who I am. But then, I don’t have to tell you, because you already know. You mention being picked for teams. I’d originally intended to add that to the post (for me, Red Rover was a biggy), but left it at the party invitations. Yet somehow, you knew. Kindred spirits indeed. I love you, my dear friend — always have, always will … ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Aw gosh T. I needed Kleenex after reading this. Truly an emotionally challenging day. I’m sending you back lots of love and positive vibes! Let’s get positive!!!!! We shall not be ruled by fear. xoxoxo (((((((<3))))))

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I’m with you, Deb, even though Clinton just conceded the election. So many of us are screwed in so many ways. All I can think is that maybe something good will come of this. What that could be, I have no idea. But I don’t want to go down the alternative road… ❤

          Liked by 1 person

Namaste, my friends ❤ Tina

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